Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The curse of the broken umbrella.


No matter what umbrella I use, what brand it is, how much it cost, I can't use any umbrella more than two or three times without it breaking. Without fail. So I jokingly tell people I have a curse of broken umbrellas.

The umbrella I had today broke in the pouring rain on the first time I used it. And it was an umbrella Holly gave me because she had two and my last one broke the last rainstorm we had. So that was fun.

And it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow. I have things to do. Woo.

Today was a blah today.  My migraine was so bad that I started throwing up.

I did get to go on a sister date with Holly to this restaurant she found a Groupon for, so there was that highlight.

But seriously, it's been a long day, so I just want to go to bed.

post signature

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

He's still God.

So, I slept. A lot. And it was awesome.

And then I woke up to an email stating that my big spring loan got denied for bad credit due to medical debt. I thought the credit check would be for the whole school year, but nope. Now there's almost $8000 keeping me from being able to easily pay for grad school. And now Uncle Ed is dead, so he can't help me.

So as you can imagine, I spent about two solid hours sobbing this afternoon. The only thing federal aid people could tell me was find an endorser or talk to my university. NYU financial aid doesn't help grad students. They told me to check with my department and see if they had any scholarships available. I sent my adviser/the director an email, but I can't foresee them being able to make up the $25,000 that this federal aid was for (assuming they would it down like they did this semester). I was already planning on getting a job at a Walgreens or Duane Reade after I got past this surgery, so even if they could help with the other $10,000 or so I would need for tuition, I could work for living expenses...One other option I have to look into is this America's Christian Credit Union that I found online that does loans for students and they have the same deferment thing that federal aid does so I wouldn't have to worry about it until after graduation, but I'm going to wait on that until after I hear back from my department, so I know exactly how much I need to look for.

I panicked. I called Pastor Ben and Dana and Betsy and got them praying, and called Mom as soon as I thought she'd be free from work. Betsy called me back while I was on the phone with Mom and sent me a very kind text when I didn't answer. Dana called me, too, while I was on the phone with Mom and so I called her back and she talked to me for about 20 minutes. She and Mom both helped me calm down, which is exactly what I needed because crying does nothing except make my headache worse.

I know in my heart this is where I'm supposed to be. And I believe that God wouldn't have worked out all the details this summer, between all the financial stuff and finding the apartment in two days and managing to afford to buy everything we needed and Mom's boyfriend's help and everything, if I wasn't supposed to get here in the first place. God is not a mean God; He wouldn't have made this dream of mine come true just to snatch it away from me over something like money. And like Mom said, there have been plenty of times in my life where we didn't know how we were going to make ends meet and come up with money that we needed, and it always showed up - even in mysterious checks we didn't know were supposed to be there eight months prior. It'll work out, it always does. I have to believe that. We have a couple of months to figure things out, which is more time than we had this summer, and I'm not out of options yet.

I said something to Dana on the phone tonight and it was really a spur of the moment kind of thing, but it's really stuck with me.

God can sometimes be a God of the last second, but that doesn't mean He's not still God. He stays the same. He is a provider. All will be well.

post signature

Monday, October 20, 2014


That's text speak for "shaking my head."

So I'm getting more annoyed with the neurology people I'm now a patient of by the day.

Last week, in an attempt to appease me as I sobbed in pain, anger, and frustration, the doc and NP told me that they would set me up with a pain management doctor to help me survive the next four weeks until I'm allowed to have surgery. That was the one good thing they did or said that day. I was busy trying to stop crying listening to the NP sound totally condescending, so by the time I went to check out, the receptionist lady was already on the phone and asked me what time I wanted for the pain management appointment. She wrote down the address and time and I was on my way and didn't think anything more of it because I was just really happy to get away from them.

Fast forward to this afternoon for my appointment. The imbeciles did not send me to a pain management doctor. They sent me to a rehab doctor, a doctor whose job is a mix of diagnosing injuries or helping people get back full function post surgery. NEITHER OF WHICH I NEED RIGHT NOW. So I don't know if they lied to me or they're just stupid or what.

The silver lining of wasting an hour of my life waiting to see a doctor I shouldn't have been seeing anyway is that the woman felt so sorry for me for the bad directions and for the pain she said she clearly saw that I'm in that she wrote me a prescription for Vicodin that will last me at LEAST until I see my surgeon next Wednesday. She was very kind and didn't talk down to me or act like she knew more about me than I do or anything like that, which was a nice treat compared to the neurology people.

So maybe I'll sleep for more than four hours at a time tonight for the first time in weeks now that I finally have something to at least take the edge off the pain. Vicodin doesn't help much, but it's better than nothing.

I'm really, really glad I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow. Mostly because I have a whole lot of reading to do. Ha. Go figure. But for now, I sleep.

post signature

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sometimes you just need to rock out in your pajamas.

I didn't sleep last that was fun.

I forced myself to go to church, anyway. Most people would probably be like "Ehh, I'm exhausted, I'll skip it this week." But I figured that I could either stay home and be exhausted and do nothing but think about how miserable I am, or go to church and be exhausted and be in a lovely worship service. Pretty easy choice when I put it like that.

I finally crashed around 1:30 this afternoon and slept for about four hours, which is about as long as I ever sleep anymore. Better than nothing.

The rest of the night, I've tried to focus on my work, but my head just wasn't in it. I mean, I got the reading I needed to get done done, but it took way longer than normal because I kept distracting myself.

So most of the night, I've been listening to music and dancing in my seat and rocking out as much as I can (ha!) and it's just the kind of evening I needed after last night. I'll let you in on a little secret...I found some songs from the High School Musical series buried in my iTunes, and they've mostly been my music of choice today. In fact, I've had one song in particular on repeat. A LOT. No shame. :p

Hey, sometimes we all need a little bit of Troy Bolton and the Wildcats to pump us up. You should try it.

post signature

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ils me manquent. (I miss them.)

I had a dream last night that I was back with all of my soccer boys. Reafe, Ricky, Tunji, Bryce, Scooter, the two Matts, Jhuvy, Isaiah, Aleksi, and Chirag. It was a long dream. I remember in one part we were out in, like, an outdoor mall type place together, and I was coming out of some shop with Ricky and some strangers started harassing me, and immediately the rest of them jumped up and some of them whisked me away and the others stood there being the protective brothers I know them to be. And then, we were all having dinner together, laughing and joking and they kept saying things that just made me feel like the most important girl in the world. And we were all teasing each other like we did so often last year. I remember feeling like I couldn't be happier.

And then I woke up. And all day I've just had this feeling that I really want to get back to that. That feeling of belonging, of being with people who know me and have been with me through some hard stuff and stood by and loved me anyway. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to be where I am and I love NYC, but I often don't feel like I belong here. And while my church people have been amazing, I don't feel totally free and safe with them yet, I don't feel secure enough to turn to most of them yet.

I miss the hugs of my brothers, both from soccer and Reformation. I miss the safety I knew. I miss the way they made me feel like a queen, but still like I was such a major blessing to them. I miss the way I never had to wonder what they thought about me, or if they were telling me the truth. I miss the way they stood up for me without question or hesitation. I miss their laughter, and their uniquely weird personalities. I miss the light they brought to my life just by being there. I miss the way they trusted me and how I knew I could trust them with anything. But mostly, I just really miss their hugs.

There was a 50 minute break in me writing this post because as I was writing, I decided to text Clayton to see if he was up because talking to him always does me good. And he was. And we ended up FaceTiming for 48 minutes and it was exactly what I needed tonight. Because now I'm smiling and instead of just aching with loneliness, now I'm just so thankful that brothers like him are in my life at all.

For once, we didn't spend much time talking about deep stuff or digging into the Bible. Most of it was spent teasing each other, making weird faces at each other, and talking in strange voices. And that was exactly what the doctor ordered to get my mood up.  Ryann and I always talk about how we have a sister bond and friendship that surpass time and distance, and I'm realizing now that there are several of my friends that I can say I have that bond with. And that's reason enough to smile, even when I'm lonely.

We'll be reunited one day, sooner or later. After all, what is Christmas break for? ;)

post signature

Friday, October 17, 2014

Oh happy day.

This is Emma. I finally got to hug her today. And that makes me a very, very happy Mal.

We met briefly a year ago when she was visiting Campbell and went to one of the guys' soccer games, but we only spoke for a minute, and I left not really knowing what to think of her or what she thought of me. It's always awkward when two people meet for the first time having heard about each other, ha!

But anyway, a few months after that, we connected on Facebook, and then we started texting, and once the texting started, we texted pretty much every day for months. We quickly bonded over some stuff we'd both experienced and were both facing some difficult times, so we were just there for each other, despite the fact that I was at Campbell and she was in DC.

Now, though? She is one of my most dear friends and I am thankful every day for the blessing she is in my life and the way we have been able to stand by each other.

Finally getting to see her and spend time with her was just the redemption I needed after a very rough and frustrating few weeks. My friends, no matter how far away they live, they keep me afloat many days, and I am just so blessed to have girls like Emma in my life.

post signature

Thursday, October 16, 2014

People can have good intentions and still be really annoying.

There's your lesson of the day, folks.

My surgery is postponed. For at least a month. Because of the stupid neurologist who refuses to clear me for surgery until I've been 5-6 weeks seizure-free.

That means, the next possible date I can have surgery is November 18. And that's IF I stay seizure free. But he upped my meds again and my thyroid med has been upped so I am praying that that's enough to make them stop.

I know they say it's "looking out for my best interest" and all that crap, and they probably are doing what they think is my best interest, but a month is a very long time in this much pain. Going through this much work for a shoulder scope is stupid.

So I've had a crap day.

Here's to hoping I get to see a friend that's coming to town tomorrow so that tomorrow will be a better day.

post signature

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Ah, look at all the pretty people!

I'm pretty sure that's not how "Eleanor Rigby" goes. Oh well.

So I've gotten back into Dancing with the Stars the past couple of seasons. I don't watch it live, but I watch the dances of the celebrities that I care about on Youtube and look at the scores and eliminations on Wikipedia. That way, I get all the relevant information and skip all the other stuff. But since I started watching in Season 4 and that was, and a half years ago, I've grown rather attached to some of the pros. Some haven't been there the whole time, but still. They're phenomenal dancers and even better looking, so what's not to like? ;)

Three of my favorite pros, Maks and Val Chmerkovskiy and Tony Dovolani have several dance studios centered around NYC (Maks and Val grew up in Brooklyn and Tony lives in CT, so it's not surprising), and so one of my "NYC Bucket List" items was to find a way to meet Maks and Val. They're Mom's and my favorites. Well, last December they and some of their dance friends created this massive dance show called Sway that sold out several nights. Well, when I heard that they were creating Sway 2.0, my first thought was "This is my chance!"

And then my second thought was, "Crap, they probably use strobe lights."

So I emailed their dance studio company email set up for the show to ask. I got a response back via Twitter that, yes, there are strobe lights. Dang it. BUT I then got an email today saying that there were meet and greet tickets available that were just for the meet and greet, without paying for the show. SCORE.

If this blog abruptly stops after December 19, this is your warning now that it's because I died and went straight to heaven after getting to touch and talk to the Chmerkovskiy brothers.

I'm paying a ridiculous amount for this, and it involves taking two subways and a bus to somewhere in Long Island, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet these guys, and some other pros that I've grown to love.


Aren't they so pretty?

Across the top, that's Val, Maks, and Tony. The girls are Sharna and Peta, both DWTS pros, and Jenna, a DWTS dancer. The guys on the bottom are Artem, a new DWTS pro, Serge, a friend of the guys, and Henry, a DWTS dancer.

I called Mom and told her and she laughed hysterically and then said "Kiss Maks and tell him it's from your mother. Kiss him ON THE CHEEK." She told me it's ridiculous that I'm paying so much for a meet and greet, but she doesn't blame me one bit.

Shoot. When it comes to him, Val, and Artem, I'll be kissing them all for me.

I can't help it. They're just so pretty.

post signature

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Things in my head tonight.

Doctors need to learn that I know my body better than they do. Do they really think I didn't manage to learn things with a medical history so extensive?

The stonewalling I'm getting for this simple surgery is absurd. I've never seen doctors so obsessive.

I really, really hope they find a neurologist to see me, and that that doc and the endocrinologist I see tomorrow will clear me. If I have to postpone until mid-November, which is when the next open surgery date is, I'm going to be SCREWED when it comes to trying to write my final papers. Plus that's another month without use of my one good arm.

In happier news, Emma is coming to town this weekend and I am absolutely STOKED.

I'm actually doing well at chipping away at my to-do list for the week. It feels good not to be in a panic. It also feels good to know exactly what I'm going to write about in the short paper I need to write for Civil War tomorrow.

Florida State isn't #1 in the polls anymore. That's insane, considering they haven't lost a game in almost two years.

Vaseline cocoa butter lotion? AMAZING. I normally hate using lotion, but I can't get enough of this stuff. Plus, who doesn't like to smell like chocolate?

It's true. Reading in bed really will put you to sleep.

I really need to stop biting my nails.

I keep having dreams about this one particular soccer boy. It's bizarre. I can't figure out what my subconscious is doing sometimes. I also have this recurring dream that I'm naked in public places, but that's for a different blog post...

I miss my mom.

I'm looking forward to the therapy appointment I have on Friday. And I'll be even more looking forward to it if these idiots end up canceling my surgery.

Because really, how can "my best interest" be keeping my one good arm in excruciating pain while I'm trying to be a grad student? I just don't get it.

I think I'll go to bed now. Laying down flat on my back seems to be the one thing that eases the throbbing in my shoulder.

Plus the morning will be here all too quickly.

post signature

Monday, October 13, 2014

Do I look like a lion to you?


Because the hoops I'm being expected to jump through to appease the stupid health center so they will clear me for a surgery that is supposed to happen in a week might make you think I'm taking part in one of those lion taming circus acts.

Despite the fact that I have had 22 surgeries, 21 with general anesthesia which they'll be using for my shoulder scope, and the only problem I have had during or after any of those 21 general anesthesia surgeries involved a brain bleed that no amount of clearance preparation could have prevented, I still have to be seen by a neurologist to make sure they don't think my seizures will be a problem...even though this person will never have seen me before and I've had TWENTY TWO SURGERIES without a seizure during or afterwards. And I also have to be seen by a freaking endocrinologist of all things because some thyroid hormone is off in my bloodwork. Because that has a whole hell of a lot to do with my shoulder. And there's a bunch of other stuff that was off in my bloodwork that nobody in the hospital bothered to tell me when I was there!

The miracle is that the head of health care at the student health center managed to get me squeezed in for a thyroid appointment on Wednesday, and she's trying to find me a neurologist to get clearance from them. Since the original guy I saw on the 1st told the hospital when I was admitted that I should be seen by someone else since he is not an epilepsy specialist, then the doctor the hospital referred me to doesn't take my insurance, and the doctor THEY sent me to has been on vacation for more than two weeks and the receptionist yelled at me and told me she had my number and would call me when they could make an appointment and not to call back. So basically I can't get cleared because doctors refuse to see me. Which is not my fault.

Because apparently me knowing my medical history by heart, and telling them I have never had an anesthesia problem, a seizure during or post surgery, and them redoing bloodwork isn't enough for them. This is absolutely ridiculous for a freaking shoulder scope. I MIGHT understand it if I were having brain surgery or something. And I wouldn't be so frustrated if it was just about redoing bloodwork because that will only take a couple days, and if that were it I could still get clearance in plenty of time before surgery, but no, I have to have stupid specialist appointments for a surgery that is almost identical to the surgeries I had on each of my knees in which I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM.

They told me to still go to my anesthesiologist appointment tomorrow, and I'm to call the head of health care while I'm there so she can talk to the anesthesiologist, so I seriously hope that I can get this person on my side, because if I have to deal with one more doctor acting like they know me better than I do and standing in the way of SUCH a simple surgery, I may end up doing a whole lot more than the sobbing I did today in the clinic.

I NEED to have this surgery done ASAP so I can have full use of my arm in time to get the 75 pages of writing I have due in the beginning of December. Plus, I simply can't go on in this much pain since the orthopedic guy I started out seeing thinks I'm a drug addict and refuses to give me more pain meds, and I also can't keep going on much longer without real use of the one good arm that I have.

I don't know if you can tell, but doctors aggravate the hell out of me.

post signature