Sunday, November 23, 2014


Thought I would update. I still don't have total feeling back in my left hand, so it will be short because this is hard.

I haven't done anything except sleep and ice my shoulder and watch TV since Tuesday. I'm bored and lonely. Thank God for the church friends who have stopped by for a few minutes.

The Percocet has terribly messed up my stomach. This is why I asked for Vicodin.

Having my arm strapped to me is very inconvenient.

The sling has given me a rash.

But other than that, I think I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I'm very drained, but hopefully that will get better soon.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I am fine.

Thought you should know.

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Monday, November 17, 2014

Short on answers, not love.

So um, yeah. Unless some miracle happens and Mom or I find someone who would be willing and qualify to cosign my student loan for the spring, it looks like I'll be taking a semester off. I found a private loan place that I think can help me next year provided I get a job after I get back from Christmas break in NC, but that does no good for me in terms of the spring semester. It's the last thing I want in regards to this program, but I'm running out of options. I called every private loan place NYU sent me numbers for. But I'll talk about that some other time because if I do it now, I'm going to start crying again, and I sobbed for like two straight hours this afternoon, so I'm emotionally drained.

In other news, it's finally the day before surgery!!! Hallelujah and PRAISE JESUS. I am so ready for tomorrow, I can't even tell you.

But y'all know me. How many surgeries have I been through in the almost six years since I started this blog? (Holy cow. It'll be six years in February.) I always get nervous the night before. I don't know why, other than surgeries are scary no matter how many times you go through the whole process. Which is why I want to talk about the good things in my day today: Pastor Ben/my church family, Clayton and Austin.

Pastor Ben set up a meal page so people from church can bring me food or have it delivered while I'm down and out recovering in the apartment, mostly by myself since the roommate will be in class or the library a lot and Holly works so much. How sweet is that? I hope people sign up, because it's going to be hard to make myself food, at least in this first week until my post-op appointment.

Clayton FaceTimed me for about 45 minutes tonight, and for once I got to help him instead of just him helping me (like it usually is, honestly). I don't know that I'd be who I am or where I am without his guidance and friendship and I am so lucky that we can talk about the deep stuff and pray for each other just as easily as we can laugh together. God's presence always feels very real to me when I leave our conversations. I love how that whole "where two or more are gathered" thing even works over FaceTime. :)

And Austin. Oh Austin. He can be so scatterbrained sometimes, but he called me just before midnight (as I was chowing down on some crackers and water before I had to go NPO at midnight) and there's just something about who he is as a person and friend that makes me feel so much more calm. The title of tonight's post actually comes from my conversation with him, because he said that if he could do or say something to fix my school funding issues, he would in a heartbeat, and I replied, "Oh I know. I have several people who would do it in a heartbeat. I'm not short on love, just short on answers." Which is very true. I am quite loved, and no matter how hopeless certain situations can seem, that is always something to be thankful for. I can't wait to see Austin in January.

So yeah, tonight, despite the awful afternoon and the stress weighing on me, I'm choosing to focus on the love I know is out there for me, even from hundreds of miles away. That's a blessing from God, no matter what else is going on.

Oh, and I also need to focus on my response paper. I have to get that in before I leave for the hospital. The work, it never ends. :p

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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Adieu to you and you and you.

You know what feels like the world's biggest tease? Getting an almost $1200 check in the mail and then later finding out that it's because instead of directly paying the FDNY EMS people, your health insurance sent the check for the bill to you and expected you to forward it. Because that makes so much mores sense than just paying them directly.

Then again, I probably should have known that something was up since, ya know, people aren't exactly in the habit of sending me money for no reason.

Today was lovely. Since I slept so much yesterday from feeling so awful, after I blogged, I got the outline for my UN paper done so I can turn that in tomorrow. Then I laid in bed and did crossword puzzles for several hours until I fell asleep. I'm talking, like, I saw 4:45 this morning. And somehow, I still woke up long before my alarm went off for church.

Church was as fantastic as ever. I love those people, plain and simple. And it's easy to see how much they care for me, as well.

After church, I came home and ate. Hallelujah, I can keep food down today.

Then I started to watch the 49ers vs Giants game (because I can only see Niners games now if they're playing a New England team, it seems. Boo.) but fell asleep.

I woke up several hours later, ate a little something more, and then worked on some snail mail. Because sometimes instead of just working yourself like crazy, you need to do something you enjoy. And I wanted to respond to the friends who have sent me cards recently before I have surgery since I don't know when I'll be handwriting anything after that.

I got the questions for my History class sent in. Tomorrow all I'll have to do is the response paper, but since I don't have to be at the hospital super early and I don't usually sleep much the night before surgery anyway, I should have plenty of time.

Now, I think I'm going to go see if Holly will help me make some Ramen and then go to bed.

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Saturday, November 15, 2014

As if being a girl wasn't hard enough.

Any female will tell you that "that time of the month" is absolutely awful.

For me, it can be even more so because of my hormone issues from having my thyroid taken out.

But to take all the "fun" that this time involves and add vomiting up everything I put into my mouth today on top of it just seems cruel.

At least I know it's not some stomach virus I'm coming down with or something because of the timing, which means provided this isn't still happening on Tuesday, surgery will be fine. And in months past when this has happened it's only been a day or two out of the whole week.

But yeah. That was Saturday. Thanking God for the rest I managed to get in between all the nastiness. I sure hope I feel better tomorrow so I can make it to church.

And God, it would be really, really awesome if this whole "time" would end before Tuesday, because I don't even want to think about dealing with it with my good arm totally out of use and while feeling awful from surgery. Please? Thanks.

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Friday, November 14, 2014


I went to bed at 10:30 because I was tired.

I skipped blogging because I was tired.

I didn't fall asleep until 1:45 because I have the insomnia gene and it SUCKS. Thanks, Mom.

I had a meeting with my UN professor in the morning to talk about my final paper, and I feel like I have a good plan for that now. The only not good part is that I promised him I'd have an outline for him by Monday, which is one more thing on my weekend schedule that I HAVE to get done before surgery. The good news is that I don't have to be at the hospital until 12:30 Tuesday.

In the afternoon/evening, I had mental therapy and then physical therapy. That expected, I guess. I really like the woman who does my physical therapy. She's super sweet. I won't be going back to her for a few weeks because I have to wait and get a new "post-surgical referral" from my doctor for insurance purposes.

It's freezing cold here now. New York winter is coming quickly. At the end of physical therapy, I sit with this giant ice pack on my shoulder for 10 minutes. You know what happens when you cover your shoulder and upper arm in an ice pack and then walk out into 37 degree temperatures? A portion of your body will actually feel warm and toasty while the rest of you feels like it's going to grow icicles at any moment. Loads of fun, I tell ya.

Who wants to take bets on when I get to experience my first NYC snow? :)

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

So. Thursday.

I woke up at noon.


Ate lunch.

Went to class.

Gave a presentation which I ROCKED. Which is hilarious because I thought I had messed it up, but my professor emailed me my grade tonight and I got all the points so yay!

After class, came back and walked to the pharmacy for my thyroid med and the grocery store for some ground beef.

Came home and collapsed in my recliner from all the walking.

Got up and made tacos.

Sat back down and watched Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and my regular Thursday night TV.

Took the trash out.

Took a hot shower.

And now, somehow I feel ready to collapse in bed even though I've only been awake for twelve hours. So much so I sat here for like five minutes before I could even figure out what to say.

Am I getting old?  Who am I kidding, I've been old.

Also, the roommate and I made up finally. Yay.

Thursday is done.

5 days to surgery.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Is that the angels I hear singing?

Nope, just me.

Me celebrating because I FINALLY!!!!!! got all set for surgery. I went to my physical today with my primary care doctor which was my last hurdle to jump, and I have a copy of the paper that she signed stating that I am "optimized" for surgery.

About. Freaking. Time. This almost 3 months of constant awful pain has been long enough.

The rest of the day has been class, killing time between class and my physical at McDonalds on my phone, buying a notebook in order to start studying my Bible, catching up on a TV show I missed last night because of my way-early bedtime, hanging out at Spiegel to avoid the roommate who is still being awful, television, and then prepping for a presentation tomorrow.

Can someone explain how I got more than the recommended amount of sleep and I'm still so dang tired?

On to tomorrow. 6 days to surgery.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I must have been really tired.

Because one minute, I'm watching my soccer boys in the tournament quarterfinals online around 7:30 pm,

and the next thing I know, it's almost 1 am and I wake up in my bed.

I seriously have no idea how that happened.

Tuesday was good.

I got my neurology clearance! One step closer to surgery.

And then I went to my hospital pre-testing, which was absurdly simple.

But yeah, no blog on time this day because I passed out cold way too early.

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Monday, November 10, 2014

What else am I supposed to do?

If I didn't know that I took my anxiety medication this morning, I'd think I had forgotten it because, man, I have been a mess all day today.

And then "it" finally showed up and it all made sense.

But in the process I've had a crappy and emotional day culminating in a fight with the roommate who now won't speak to me. I had to resort to sticking a letter under her door in an attempt to apologize. And I cried, even though I don't think I'm the only one at fault and she still won't speak to me even though in my note I attempted to give her what I thought she was asking for. But if I apologized and she is still mad or whatever, is there anything else I can do?

I hate hormones.

I'm also not really a fan of having a roommate I only met when she moved in. Roommates in general are really hard, but I feel like it would have been easier if either Holly or I had known the person that moved in with us. But we have year leases, so I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it and pray she moves out in August.

And tomorrow I have my redo neurology and hospital clearances for surgery, and so I have the added stress on me of trying not to worry that yet another surprise will be thrown at me and my surgery will be delayed again. Ridiculous, maybe, but it's what's in my head.

The one perk of the day is that my UN professor told us we don't have to do reading reviews for the rest of the semester, which eases my workload schedule a good deal. So there's a positive, I guess.

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